June 1, 20XX
Seasoning City, Japan
Two Seasoning City citizens have engaged in some DISTRESSING behavior at a local MobDonald's last week. The allegged suspects at hand are Roshuto Dozen (44) and Reigen Arataka (43). Both men have extensive and local history in the city.
A photograph captured at the moment of the crime. Photographer unknown.
MobDonald's, in collaboration with the Pride Department of Seasoning City (Which is disproportionately large, by the way), has been offering FREE meals to anyone that comes in and kisses their same-sex partner. All was well until these two GENTLEMEN walked into the location. They performed their kiss in the middle of the restauraunt at first, something witnesses described as "grotesque", "inhumane", and akin to "two fish channeling the inner spirit of a shoddy vaccuum cleaner".
Witnesses reportedly covered their eyes, and the security footage shows one man passing out in sheer disgust. We reached out to the now ex-manager of this location for comment, but he was able to provide none. In fact, he kept rocking back and forth in his chair with a sort of hollow expression on his face. His family says he hasn't been the same since, and that the condition is likely terminal.
That leads us to the big question. WHO would do this?? WHAT could possibly spur on an action of this caliber?? Over here at THE SPICE CABINET, we have the scoop! It's simple! They're trying to sabotage pride month! Reportedly, MobDonald's, along with some other locations, are planning to cut their pride month short for "public health" reasons. Don't fret, seasoning city! Stand tall! Never let some old geezers take your PRIDE!!!